Lemons and Farmer's Hands
I've never been a fan of cliche sayings - sayings that make people feel strong or provide comfort during difficult times. Sayings like, "There is always a silver lining" or "Always look on the bright side of life" are staples for people trying their best to supply a comforting word during a life crisis. I've uttered a cliche phrase or two when my friends were going through difficult situations that I couldn't fathom, while I was fumbling for words, searching through my pain and grief, trying to find a morsel of wisdom and comfort to speak into their life. It is human nature to want to say something comforting to someone who has just gone through a tragedy.
My favorite story of a failed attempt at comfort is one John Green retells in his vlog, "We're here because we're here.” John Green recounts fumbling for words of comfort through the pain of his own sadness when his mentor and friend Amy Krouse Rosenthal called asking him for advice. Amy Krouse was diagnosed with terminal cancer. John Green, the author of "The Fault in Our Stars" and "Looking for Alaska," is known for speaking with and writing about those struggling with terminal illnesses with ease and eloquence. John made this statement while trying to comfort his friend, "How can this be happening? You do so much yoga."
This statement takes the cake for failed attempts at wisdom and comfort during a tragic event.
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" is a phrase that has always bothered me rather than brought me comfort. Although it is not anywhere near as bad as "you do so much yoga!", on the surface, this phrase seems cut and dry, even easy to digest. Of course, you want to make the best of a terrible situation. But the concept that I cannot shake with this phrase is, what if life doesn't give you the rest of the ingredients for lemonade? What if it is just lemons?
Or, when my mind is relatively active and scrambling to understand all angles of this phrase, is the lemonade for you or me? Are you telling me to make lemonade for your sake? Is it too uncomfortable for you to sit with me and be present in my pain and lamenting?
The odd thing is that I like the "original" quote from which this phrase is derived. The origin of this modern proverb has been attributed to Elber Hubbard. Hubbard was a Christian anarchist author, who wrote the obituary for Marshall Pinckney Wilder in 1915. The original quote was in reference to Wilder's struggle throughout his life with dwarfism.
“He was a walking refutation of that dogmatic statement, Mens sana in corpore sano (“a healthy mind in a healthy body”). His was a sound mind in an unsound body. He proved the eternal paradox of things. He cashed in on his disabilities. He picked up the lemons that Fate had sent him and started a lemonade stand.”
Hubbard was working through his own distaste with dogmatic phrases when he penned these words. And in a wonderfully ironic twist of fate, his words were transformed into the dogmatic phrase we know today, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
In general, the basic message of this modern proverb is good, it is just that the phrase feels a bit inadequate - like it lacks something of substance to grab onto and use as a comforting mantra for me.
After my wife's paralyzing accident on December 5th, 2022, the idea of a farmer's hand seemed more fitting for our situation. Instead of making lemonade, we were playing the game Euchre and were dealt a farmer's hand.
For those unfamiliar with a farmer's hand, it comes from the game Euchre, a trick-based card game that uses partners. I was introduced to this game at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp in Michigan. All of the specifics of the game are unnecessary for the analogy to make sense. A farmer's hand in Euchre is a hand that will not catch a single trick or help your partner catch a trick. You are literally dealt a useless hand. You are unable to help or win. Some people you play with modify the rules of the game to help those who are dealt a farmer's hand. But in our family, we don't play the game this way...you are stuck with what you are dealt. And that is a useless hand.
This may be discouraging to many. Why would you want to stick someone with an impossible hand? Why don’t you have house rules that will help someone in an impossible situation? We keep the original rules because you still have your partner, and that is the best part of this game. Even though you can't win alone or contribute, you have a partner.
This idea has brought more relief to me as I have processed the recent accident and events. My wife, though dealt a terrible hand, has a partner in me. Looking at the bigger picture, we have so many "partners" - family, friends, loved ones, pastors, church family, and mentors who have been so generous and willing to help at the drop of a hat. There have even been many strangers who provide help and care in ways that are hard to fathom. We are so blessed...we have partners in this life game of Euchre.
As I have chewed on this concept over the past few weeks, I also can't help but think about our ultimate partner in Christ. We have felt His love and care despite our current circumstances. God's love and grace have been on full display through all the partners he has placed in our life.
I'm delighted that life doesn't give us lemons and that it isn't just our decision to make a lemonade stand alone. We have a rich blessing of partners in this game of Euchre to help us through our difficult farmer's hands in life.
Another issue with the colloquial phrase about lemons is that there is an underlying message that you shouldn't show deep emotional turmoil while making your lemonade. It has been comforting and good to know that lamentation is ok in life. There is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to lamentation, and 65-67 out of 150 Psalms are lamentations. Our Christian walk doesn't have to look perfect. As we live in and experience life, we can and should give God our lamentations and joys in our worship practice. It is untrue to continue life as if we never experience sadness and profound sorrow.
And as fellow Christians, we are implored by Paul to live through each life stage with fellow believers.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
So even if you try your hardest to comfort those traveling through the valley of despair, and it comes out "wrong." Know that your words, prayer, and presence are more than appreciated. Thank you all for mourning with us during this season. Thank you all for being our partner in Euchre even when we are dealt a farmer's hand.
We are thankful and blessed by y'all.